Angel Feathers & Grief

Small white feather on my mare, Buttercup. And...it's not the first time!

Today wasn't the first time I've sat on the ground by my mare Buttercup and noticed a small white feather resting gently on her side. There have been several times that this has happened for her. She seems to attract her angels quite often in a tangibly seen way.

As, I pondered the feather on her side, I continued to sit quietly. Then, something inside me began to shift and move. This also is not new when I spend quiet time with my horses.

Deep emotion began coming to the surface from inside that dark well of things that we tend to not want to look at. It can be challenging to sit with these feelings. Buttercup's slow dozing breaths convinced me to be still and look at what was emerging.

Knowing that Angel Feathers are a sign of protection and divine presence along with the grounding presence of Buttercup, helped me know that it was a safe space and moment. I felt my spirit guides as well as Buttercup's all around us and I readily dropped into my heart.

Buttercup had a serious and life altering episode almost a year ago. This happened during a routine vet wellness check. While her teeth were being looked at, she suddenly raised her head, went stiff in her body, became unconscious, and fell over hitting her head with tremendous force on the hard ground.

Her injuries were catastrophic and there was neurological damage throughout her head and body. Now, after a surgery and several procedures, she is slowly recovering into her eventual new normal. There have been subtle improvements over time.

Sitting in the warm sun with Buttercup today, the message I received from her was that she is so resilient and accepting of her current state. I am still grieving over how she was before and how she will never be again. I thought I was through it all. I am not.

Grief began falling from my eyes and expressing through my snotty nose and gasping sobs. This was release. After a short time, I rolled over onto my side and my tears made tracks in the sand causing it to stick to my face and fill my mouth and nose. I didn't care who heard or saw, I just allowed that dark grief to rack my body until I lay quiet and totally spent.

Throughout this time, Buttercup held space for me. Amias came to stand close. Sonny and Ginny moved closer and then stayed still. Being part of this herd of amazing horse souls, is beyond words. I have no language for how it feels.

Grief is not a one and done. There is no shame in ugly crying. All of us, deserve to feel our emotions. We are all loved, beloved, and worthy. It is perfectly fine to grieve for what was and what will be and what is.

Message from my guides:

When you come back up out of the darkness, you are stronger. You have more light to shine. You are more able to help others navigate their darkness. Your darkness is not something to push down and be afraid of. Making the choice to see it and let it come to light is your contrast. You are a being of light and darkness. Without the darkness, there is no light.

Standing up and hugging each of my best friends, I noticed the breeze caught that Angel Feather on Buttercup's side and sent it slowing drifting down swooping and dipping until it landed on the smooth sand.

I made my way to the tack room sink and washed my face, reveling in the feeling of the cool water as the sensation brought me into the present moment. Ready to move into the day with a new awareness. Looking back at the horses and feeling a smile on my lips. Joy replacing the grief. Emotions ebb and flow and that is life!

Thank you Buttercup!